wake me up when it’s completely over. i’m settling into the whole – this is officially the year my heart broke into pieces. i want to be optimistic that next year will be my year but i’m (currently) feeling hopeless.
i didn’t achieve the home i wanted to build for myself – although i did make my room cozy enough to be able to kick off the habit of sleeping on the couch.
i didn’t save as much i intended to – instead i lived vicariously without any financial worries. that felt really good. continued with spoiling my mom enough to keep her entertained and happy enough to fill the void of wanting to be a Lola.
learning about myself and achieving self love is still work in progress – instead i ignored the focus on myself and directed the efforts in experiences. which helps, so i get a half point on that… tbh i feel more lost now and have even more questions to myself that i need to start answering. it’s occupying my mind in the right direction though! half-woot!
mini swipes project weren’t completely completed. i still have to organize LaCie, crack them old hard drives, finish that original coloring book, back up back ups, fix blog categories/tags (which i’m going to try to tackle during this 2 day break from work). routine making -> epic fail on that.
i finally found the balance in my friendships (?) reason, season, lifetime categories. i somewhat don’t feel fully obligated to keep up with everyone, i found i can trust my decision to keep a few real close as it used to be and added a few layers with levels of commitment. i truly kinda meant it when i told the bestie that i’m willing to move away from all of this toronto love for love. home is where the heart is and if that heart wants to follow its partner somewhere else, i would be willing. one life and all.
the main goals this year was to quit him. i know the decision wasn’t fully my own execution but it felt destined, to wake the fuck up and realize he wasn’t the right one for me. uggh_ next year i definitely want to blog without mentioning him ever or even hint about him. it’s a difficult goal but i’ll get there, i’m almost there i swear. i’m sorry for those who reads this, truly and deeply sorry for the broken track of my heart/brain, but i just can’t get out of the habit comparing my old self to this new self. and all of my old self that i only know of was attached to him.
i’m done. no more reminiscing, i’m over the failures i made in 2017… in 2018
***now i’m four five seconds from wildin. later days!
Back in the day, you converse and crush on each other for a bit and then one of you make a move. I got kissed today because we played pool and I lost… enough times. I’m in the subway now and I’m spinning trying to figure out how I really feel. Ok let’s try this….How am I still so unsure about meeting someone new? I keep asking myself over and over.
Earlier today I admitted I felt like crying. For what?! It’s completely over, it’s beyond over actually so why am I holding back? This guy I met today just got out of a serious relationship 5 months ago… me over a year ago and I’m still acting like my old single but not single self. This guy was a pretty good candidate, paid for most of the date (I got him a shot), awesome convo that I can keep up with, funny… when I won by default I should’ve asked him for a hug instead of another kiss… equals cuddly. How many kisses did we do? 3-4?Maybe more(?) Plus I had to give him a kiss on his cheek cause that’s how all that started.
He has cute dimples. He noticed mine. He showed me pictures of his brother and sister. He’s a cook but wants to pursue teaching. He’s shorter than I imagined, but taller enough than me… why would that bother me. Why does it bother me? What’s supposed to happen now? Does it matter? There’s no investment there, I really need to stop associating dating with relationships. How do I get romanticized the way I imagine it? There’s no rule book. I’d like to believe it’s either there or it’s not, right?
Let me stop spinning for a second and admit it went great. He didn’t say any swooning words like how pretty my hair is, I smell nice, I’m cute…none of that was mentioned… but he went for a kiss. Does that mean he liked me enough to want to kiss my lips? idk idk idk idk lolsadface
I’m pretty certain this guy is talking to other girls. I’ve seen the line-up for guys on CMB, I kinda know what I’m up against. This guy also admitted he gets about 20 being suggested to him, me on the other hand gets 0-1. I couldn’t remember how I found him but he mentioned he did do a video… I’m pretty sure I used my free like on him there. Those 5 second videos are seriously funnier than Vine, and everyone knows how much I like Vine.
Now I question, if he asks me out, do I say yes? Do I like him enough to entertain him some more? He kinda still know some Cantonese to save his life.
Yes I was late. I’m going to end this one now cause I’m feeling sleepy – no need for help here.
___goodnight in Japanese, cause he mentioned he liked anime.
everything i publish online has to have a story. all of my finished creatives take a whole process, below for example took me all morning to conceptualize (in bed) with my phone. i set out to make a lock screen bg and i wanted to feature G’s Toronto sign picture from the amazing iPhoneX but see it didn’t really end up there did it… that’s how this sunday funday began and ended up doubling up as a me-day.
i usually don’t have much time for these things but when i do, it’s always cut short enough that lately i’ve been forced to be able to just deliver as is. i don’t second guess what i post, cause i’m trying the whole #liveoutloud mantra right now but also i used to worry about what someone reading/viewing my social media would think or react upon review but now i don’t care about that (anymore). the only thing i care about is producing moments and presenting them how i want to remember those moments. i am now my own judge, i will selfishly review what i write/post/share for my own benefit, not anyone elses. anyway enough about the process and let’s dig into that memorable sunday funday i spent all by myself with a pair of skullcandy headphones.
all the while, i contemplated about going on another first date. someone who’s much more exciting than the last one because of the back and forth banter. he just gets my quirkiness. this day’s creatives were inspired by a post by Sylvester McNutt III shared by Kstar who’s on her flight back from her Asia trip. let me give you a few minutes to read the words below but basically #selfgoals in the eyes of another. i’m prepping myself to be ready for the long haul with the right one by completing a few test runs to learn what i like and don’t like. self realization is still in effect here and i find myself hurting less and less. if i was hurting it was for different reasons not him, somewhat for the right reasons. so yey me.