Time IN Time

Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means, this storyteller is alive. The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile.
– Little Bee by Chris Cleave

it’s been a rollercoaster month! i could’ve possibly done 2-3 posts in a day but what use would that be really? so i could go back 2 years from now and laugh at how my train of thought was at this present day? no way. i kept my insecurities to myself. venting as needed, going crazy as i let myself to be. & man i’ve never driven myself crazy like that in a loooong time.

its gotta be all the changes happening right now. .. survived 2 months (5  more days left) of not having a boyfriend. like literally, i was single. no one bugging to see if i’ve gotten home ok, no one bugging me about going out at such a late hour. no one checking on me, checking to see if i had any plans after work. it wasn’t a choice, it just happened to be like that since he went to the Philippines. i call him, not even sure it mattered really. but i made sure to be prompt when he needed something. it’s the least i could do. but he fxck’d up & it’s costed a lot, a whole lot of my emotional capacity.

i know i’m not the perfect girlfriend. i make him wait, i put him down 80% of the time. i’m not as attractive as i used to be. but at the end of the day, i don’t have baggage, i love unconditionally and i am independent. tell me how this whole relationship works when you’ve had enough and feel you can’t handle anymore. i’m one to judge other’s relationship but i’ve overlooked enough on mine. i need to take my own advices. put happiness aside for practicality and maturity.

throughout our relationship (as far as i can remember_), i don’t recall being this unloved. we’ve been able to overcome anything, or i should say, i used to be able to overcome anything. cause technically at this point, it’s his wrong-doing. it’s his mistake, his life that’s putting this relationship in turmoil. it hurts alot because i know at the end of the day, he hasn’t promised anything. we’ve never talked about the future. we’ve always been a spur of the moment type of relationship. we have no path. how do you start that anyway.

as i contemplate what to write here for the whole month, i stalk other people for comparison. but that just makes it worst really. cause online, you don’t see the hurt and suffering a couple may have. because in the eyes of other people we filter, we don’t let everything lay out on the table to be scrutinized, judged by an outsider. an outsider that won’t know the ins and outs of your everyday loving.sharing.caring.

at the end of the day, you are your own critic. you decide what’s right for you & your heart and at the end of the day, your  </3 always wins the battle. it’s always been obvious before when my relationships are over. One last chance, brain. pagbigyan natin si puso, sana alam niya ang ginagawa niya.


3 weeks Markings!

so tomorrow night would be remembered by the day i survived 3 weeks without him. that’ s officially the longest and it’s still going. he’s confirmed that he won’t be back for until end of March.

i got mad at him, beginning of the week because he felt threatened to meet my aunt for papers she’d like us to keep. he thinks she’s going to grill him about our relationship. i don’t know why on tuesday morning, i felt the need to piss him off. so instead of being all sweet and stuff, i was giving him sh1t for even considering my aunt would have the time to ask him about his convictions. we’ve been going out for 6 years and he doesn’t need to explain himself to anybody. what’s between us is between us and i already knew not to let him see any of my family relatives because of that fact.

anyway, i made a big deal out of it and now i haven’t talked to him since. he’s in the province now and soon enough this weekend they will be having fun under the sun, with sands between his toes @ Boracay.

our anniversary was a blur – i got too drunk and partied all night. but as per usual, i gave him a drunken call. i dreamt about him all week last week and last night i fell asleep lightly and he was already there, in my dream. but i woke up quickly and tried not to think about it. i’m not sure if he was still there after that.

i’m still working on the big photobook and it is now sitting at 100 pages. the limit is actually 40 and each additional page is $1.50, gaahhh it’s an extra $120 on top of $40, well i guess i deserve that. i kind of went overboard, but then again it’s 6 effin years worth of memories. i can’t wait to finish and get the final product.

my days are still going slowly. i feel like i am lifeless every other day. but good news is looks like my efforts are paying off (another 2 pounds down). if i keep up the little things i’m doing now, that is 1 pound per week (without any major diets) = within ~6 months i’ll be unFAT!!!

Day 11 – Vday on 2011

there’s something ultimately wrong with spending valentine’s day apart. at this time J & i would be in touch to plan out a last minute dinner.
but this year he’s there and i’m here.

a phone call this morning to greet him happy vday didn’t really go as planned. i felt more sad to be talking to him long-distancely rather than thinking about how happy i would be tonight by just seeing his face. at times like these is when i start reminiscing about what we are, what we were and what we will be…

i see a lot of guys carrying flowers, girls opening they’re heart shaped chocolate and all that i was happy about was getting a greeting on FB. romance is still alive but in the most simplistic way. it’s all we need these days. whenever i talk to him on the phone says bye 3x and he adds i love you before hanging up.

my mom is always asking me if i think he’s the one. i’ve always felt he is but reality is that you never know. why did it suddenly get so hard to keep 1 partner. everything these days are so disposable but at the end of the day, i would never dream of putting him in that category. i love him, and no one has ever made me feel such security when it comes to love and love alone.