ISSUES Transpiring

so ever since my way older cousin came in the picture, earth shattering feelings wave over me.

i’ve never acknowledged the fact that i had a dad. for the longest time to me, he did not exist. i was born through immaculate conception hahaha -why?- well because he chose to not exist in my life. he chose to leave himself as far and as distant as possible from me. this goes far back from my grade 7/8 days when i was feeling rebelious; when i realized that i’m one of those kids suffering from a broken family. i hated my mom for being so strict, i wanted to breath. i remember how much i was on my own with my dad around, so at that time, it was the biggest threat i was able to bestow upon the mom i was furious of. but of course, surprisingly i was able to connect with my dad, and he adviced that i stick with my mom because he already had a new family. i was devasted and was glad; good riddence. since then he did not exist to me.

i’m now an adult, with 90% independence. i’ve grown into the woman a parent would be proud of. i have just the right size of friends. i am in a serious enough relationship and a family that i would never trade for the world. things were never easy for me or for my mom, but we survived and i’m proud to have accomplished enough to give me self confidence in her and myself.

but now i’m torn. i’m going on vacation to the Phillippines to support my mom in processing papers for her divorce. surprise surprise, i have to be there with her. a lot that i’ve confided in says “closure” but i just don’t see the point in opening that closed chapter. i don’t want to have to change the ending to anything else but he’s dead metaphorically. but i have to face him 20 odd years later. it kills me inside to have proof that he never cared about me. never even acknowledged my existence. now he has a new life, a life i’ve never known and will have to uncover when i see him. i’m not excited about this trip at all. it hurts me inside, i force myself to not cry, but i still do anyway.

oh yeah – i have not one but 4 siblings. 4 people that have some sort of connection to my dad – 4 people that he’s shown love to more than he’s EVER ever shed for me. i’m not jealous, i’m the outsider trying to look in. it’s so Fucking hard to comprehend that i need to Fucking show my face to him. to even gie him the benifit of the doubt about how well i’m doing. SCREW YOU ASShole, you don’t deserve to be known as my father, as far as i know you don’t exist.

half brother

randomly I thought of him. The half brother I found out I had from my dad’s side. Ate is leaving next week to visit her kids back home…the cousin that connected me to my dad about 14 years in the past of all pasts. She’s the reason I found out about my half brother, now, she’s visiting re-connecting with everyone I’ve learned to shut out since my mom took me under her wing. Now that we let her into our lives it’s hard for me to ignore the fact that I DO have a so-called-father. The father that did nothing to keep in touch with me, regardless of what went down to create our broken family.

Now i’m in limbo, should I even present myself to this half-brother? Even though I hold a grudge towards our shared kin of a dad. I have no right really, but I do get curious about him. I want to know if he knows who I am and I wonder if he knows what I am to him.


last night i told J during a smoke, after dinner at Scartown that i plan to get married before i’m 30. technically i have 2 years to get my finance in check and improve my credit for the big purchases of marriage.

this also takes into account that we have about 5 years to save up for a mini wedding. well i’m not sure about it being mini because we have so many contacts and pretty much equal size family here in toronto.

so here’s the timeline, marriage at 30, conceive the same time 31 pop it out. sigh – by the time my kid is in college i’ll be 50. and at 45 i’ll think about being retired at 60 and of course at 45 this will be the cut-off for college funding for the children. Given i only have 1 kid. A boy and non-other, but if i do get a girl —it’s not like i have a choice.

Why 30 you ask? it’s the consensus and it’s when i picture myself being done with being 20. i picture 30 to be my new chapter. the chapter that i figured i’d have had my silly self figured out. until then all the fuckin’ way!!!