waiting for my heart

i was supposed to blog about the 3 weeks i was home alone at his place but i didn’t feel alone, not even for a second. this man’s plane is scheduled to land in 15 minutes… FRANKFURT 19:35 ON TIME. i’m boozing up, double vodka cranberry please… sure in a small cup.

i have never felt so smitten, so overjoyed. i’ve told him on text, earlier this week – that he owns my heart and it is definitely worth more than any 3 words can even amount to and my goal this year is to prove it day after day. let’s love again unconditionally, he’s earned it, he’s worth it, he’s just everything.

i’m soo distracted, i’ve been distracted all day. excited to see him again. to feel his presence to squish the eff out of him like he’s Baymax from Big Hero 6. i thought i could find all the emotions to blog all the thoughts running through my mind, but clearly – i can’t. all good. there’s always tomorrow or the day after, or the week after that.

i’ve been good busy, good vibes all around. time to chug this, disconnect and stand at the exit to welcome home the rooskie who i hope to forever call mine. susmaryoseph. hehe

3AM Rawness

I wrote this a year ago.

08 16 2018 @ 3am

Give me a simple, handsome man who’s got a good set of values. Where the handsomeness is derived from their hard work and health consciousness. One who exudes confidence not because they know they are hot shit but because they earned their sexiness through a successful regime. Point me a man who can intrigue my curiosity and ignite my soul with elevated experiences only shared between people with 100% compatibility. A man with eyes that are so undeniably beautiful, full of stories, honesty and innocence. Lips that fits just right with mine.

If I can have a man who has the same level of sexual experiences or is patient with my inexperienced self (big bonus). A man who is subtle in showing his admiration but has real courage to conquer my world or simply fits himself as a missing piece into my puzzle of a life.

It’s true that to completely learn what you want in a partner, you would have to do research. In order to fully understand yourself, you’d have to eventually let go of the old and allow the new to fully take over wholeheartedly to embrace the learnings of the why it never worked with anyone else. But and it’s a big But to truly look deep within oneself and reassure that self that everything we do is rooted from good intentions and not from forceful moving forwards… hmm that last rule didn’t make sense…

As humans we need to be able to isolate our feelings within ourselves. Over analyze our actions where it truly matters. Question every angle of our actions vs our thoughts vs our feelings because they are all derived from different areas within. Action being promoted by the brain, which doesn’t always compute to the right actions for the situation. Our thoughts being derived from the same brain but only really formulated after seeing what our actions changes in the dynamics of the universe. I’m truly a believer that our feelings are 100% heart and the ability to isolate the heart from the brain is equally as important because our heart beats a different beat than our brain.

When everything syncs – fireworks happen. Dear heart, let’s enjoy these days before we allow fear to convolute the greatest experiences I’ve had in a decade. Let’s Flash this and slow it down enough to be mindful but also fast enough to meet that ticking time bomb of a woman’s schedule. I pray for nothing but clear days ahead – no real expectations but a simple plea to protect my heart and my new world from an inevitable harm… also known as time or myself really.

Film Photography (ANALOG)


I absolutely heart photography. i’ve pretty much had every style of camera i can afford. i used my mom’s old point & shoot film cameras (which captured my high school years here in Canada pretty well), then my first digital camera, my second, third, fourth and now fifth. also worth mentioning polaroid mini, some sticker polaroid one (super cute, which i’ll probably try to revive if i can find film for it) and of course the different variations of the iPhones and now the Samsung Note 9. let’s never forget the few attempts to keep film in my life with disposable cameras.

i have always been creative. i recall taking a photography course in high school because 1. easy pass 2. i wanted to truly learn the devices and everything that it needed. there was a moment, on the many streetcar trips i’ve had p/t living in parkdale, when i remember there was a store called lomography on queen street west. i sadly learned they closed down a few years ago due to low sales figures. with the boom of mobile photography, completely understandable. i went in that store a few times, i didn’t have the budget to get a few devices or films at the time but it made me crave that limited shots 35mm films provide.

while i was doing some spring cleaning back in 2017, i found an underwater disposable camera. fast forward to two years later, when the rooskie decided to get his passport photo done, we found a photo printing store walking distance and i finally submitted the cam for developing. it’s also the same place we went to print some of our pictures to fill picture frames he bought. anyway, as i recall, we went to Niagara, came back, then got the prints. i guess over the years, it turned my film purple… it was from ace and laile’s west virginia couples road trip week. the shots were not good but it did survive under water so i guess it worked for that purpose.

since that developed film, i thought about film photography more and started researching lomography online. there’s a few cams and films you can buy at urban outfitters but it seemed like a toy to me at first glance and i needed to know more before making a purchase. i needed to look into all the options and pick out a new toy to add to my collection of cameras. early 2018 i did an impulse buy and got an advanced point & shoot. i got rid of my Sony a6000 interchangeable lens because 1. it reminded me of the x (it was his 10 yr anniversary gift, which first started as an iPad rolls eyes exchanged for a cam) 2. it was just too much $$$ and time to get into as a hobby and i decided i’m more of a point & shoot type of photographer.

pix from that were mostly blurry, i found Sony cameras just didn’t get me as a photographer. even the new automatic point & shoot Sony DSC-HX80 was blurry, and the shots are quick. my all-time favorite cam so far was my Panasonic Lumix (pictured above), but it got dropped on the lens and broke… correction my Canon Powershot was the one that got dropped on the lens and broke. Lumix just simply died from what i remember but it def was my favorite camera out of all the ones i’ve had before. dear LX3 i miss you tons! unfortunately, i can’t get myself another Lumix because the price never goes down and i may be done with digital photography since the Samsung Note 9 has a Pro option and it’s been magical (so far/finally).

earlier this summer

i bought a disposable camera. i wanted to do random shots of Summer 2019, print it, and create an album. then as people started asking me more and more about the need for that, i started wanting a real 35mm Camera. insert lomography.com

i had my mind set on buying the Lomo’Instant Wide (because my Mini has been acting up) and then quickly learned that Lomo was a camera brand from Russia in the 80s. since the rooskie was heading home to visit his parents, i asked him to look out for an original soviet camera that still worked (for cheap!).



turns out his dad owns one and is willing to give me the camera to use. now, i’m just waiting for this baby to come home with lapa ko!!! i am seriously too excited to get my hands on this and him of course haha. i shall finish my disposable before i use this one but tonight i was researching about it a bit more to kill time. i guess this is what you do when the boyfriend is sleeping half-way around the world, with a +7 hour time difference and when there’s too many movies/documentaries to choose from on Prime/Netflix that you settle on not watching, etc. [agghh his thumb]


such a cute couple. #GOALS. they are too milaya, i watched their channel and picture me and vadymskiii one day soon trying some of their wild adventures. this is just a general but sentimental vid for beginners trying film cameras for the first time.

i think this is the same camera i’m getting, FED 2 Rangefinder. it’s apparently a Russian version or copy of the Leica M3? anyway gotta memorize everything from this vid.

just a few pointers on the basics of photography (ISO, Aperture, Shutter Speed)

Yes, I watched quite a bit of youTube videos about film/analog cameras tonight. i think i’m ready to stock up on actual films on Amazon/eBay. then just wait for Fed 2 to come home with the man of my dreams hahaha (corny). there was one video where their shots annoyed me but i guess it was just too gen x for my taste. composition is a whole other obsession of mine.

LOMO’s 10 Golden Rules: https://www.lomography.com/about/the-ten-golden-rules

i was going to post some awesome shots from last night on my S.Note 9, to prove a point that my phone camera is better than Google’s… but maybe another day. haha.

PS. ORDER FILM, and remind him not to forget the light meter.