Wedding Cold Feet

Today i was exposed to a term often feared, often misguided, and often mentioned; COLD FEET i know not everything is perfect but there’s a lot of learning to be had hearing other peoples troubles and tribulations. then i find myself hoping that the man i plan to spend the rest of my life with doesn’t coward themselves out. it hurts to think that most relationships end up being misguided and loses their sparks.

you gotta know how important that spark is, and ensure that they are there for the right reasons. sparking with someone else for me is considered trouble. in my opinion, you should never feel the need to gain sparks for someone else. keep the spark within your own relationship. worry about that 1 and you should be fine. & obviously if you’re stuck in a rut, it takes 2 to tango but someone always needs to lead. get over that pride and just do what needs to be done to get that spark back. it’s hard but at least you tried.

question; do you still feel the passion? the sparks?
then the hardest question you should really think about is does he/she?

Strangers Again

Srangers AgainI

Stage 1 Meeting
Stage 2 Chase
Stage 3 Honeymoon
Stage 4 Comfortable
Stage 5 Tolerance
Stage 6 Downhill
Stage 7 Breaking up or Getting Married

right now me and J are stuck in 3 stages. Stages 3-5. we’ve hit stage 6 at one point but our love was strong enough to get us out of a rut. i think it all depends on the age and wisdom a person has. it’s one of the things i like about J. he certainly knows my buttons. the button to make me forget about all our problems and hardship, the button to make me hate and love him all at the same time. our different stages all depends on our interactions.

Stage 3: when we’re together alone.
Stage 4: when we’re together with a group of people.
Stage 5: when we’re both at home (seperately-together).

call me gullable but i believe his words when he says he will do things. the only downhill part is when i don’t see progress or effort. but last week when he confirmed that he’s just waiting to get settled but all that seriousness is inevitable made me weak in the knees. all those talks about feeling he’s the one, the forever in a day one is reciprocated because he felt the same way and he plans the same way.

i just want to bring out the best in him. i know i make him happy but have yet to conquer being the motivation in his life. i want to really motivate him, cause him motivated equals me motivated.

there’s so much in a relationship other than these stages. media may play a part in creating stages for you but at the end, it’s your decisions and your happiness on the line. true love is never easy. it’s the way we handle things and recover from things that really test our commitment to one another.

ISSUES Transpiring

so ever since my way older cousin came in the picture, earth shattering feelings wave over me.

i’ve never acknowledged the fact that i had a dad. for the longest time to me, he did not exist. i was born through immaculate conception hahaha -why?- well because he chose to not exist in my life. he chose to leave himself as far and as distant as possible from me. this goes far back from my grade 7/8 days when i was feeling rebelious; when i realized that i’m one of those kids suffering from a broken family. i hated my mom for being so strict, i wanted to breath. i remember how much i was on my own with my dad around, so at that time, it was the biggest threat i was able to bestow upon the mom i was furious of. but of course, surprisingly i was able to connect with my dad, and he adviced that i stick with my mom because he already had a new family. i was devasted and was glad; good riddence. since then he did not exist to me.

i’m now an adult, with 90% independence. i’ve grown into the woman a parent would be proud of. i have just the right size of friends. i am in a serious enough relationship and a family that i would never trade for the world. things were never easy for me or for my mom, but we survived and i’m proud to have accomplished enough to give me self confidence in her and myself.

but now i’m torn. i’m going on vacation to the Phillippines to support my mom in processing papers for her divorce. surprise surprise, i have to be there with her. a lot that i’ve confided in says “closure” but i just don’t see the point in opening that closed chapter. i don’t want to have to change the ending to anything else but he’s dead metaphorically. but i have to face him 20 odd years later. it kills me inside to have proof that he never cared about me. never even acknowledged my existence. now he has a new life, a life i’ve never known and will have to uncover when i see him. i’m not excited about this trip at all. it hurts me inside, i force myself to not cry, but i still do anyway.

oh yeah – i have not one but 4 siblings. 4 people that have some sort of connection to my dad – 4 people that he’s shown love to more than he’s EVER ever shed for me. i’m not jealous, i’m the outsider trying to look in. it’s so Fucking hard to comprehend that i need to Fucking show my face to him. to even gie him the benifit of the doubt about how well i’m doing. SCREW YOU ASShole, you don’t deserve to be known as my father, as far as i know you don’t exist.

another day..

another fight.
another conversation about the future i have no expectation for. why do women tend to point to that direction? i just wish he could bullshit some sort of dream he’s got for me to picture. some kind of sign that that’s where “we” (in light terms) are heading.
i’m surrounded by older men & women who will never settle for less. they wait for those moments when things are rolling. they are realistic and pesimistic. i question some of their logics, because against my own, they are far off to where i want to be at their age. i mean some are not that much older (maybe +/- 5 to 6 years_ to be exact). but how do i convert? maybe it’s been the right way of doing things all along. maybe there is something to this waiting in vanity! i mean what have you got to lose. really!?! what’s better than knowing he’ll come around & the fact that we share something special, and that there’s sparks and that i can picture a life with him in it… wait that’s probably a misconception.
there’s this north american thing growing on me and it’s not like i can shoe it away. i want to be romanced, i want to be sweetened. i want to fill butterflies and all that stuff that makes non-loving people hurl.
there’s so much to say but no one available to listen. it’s been a year of being single (yes the boyfriend does exist – but not in the way i pictured it). but maybe that’s what i need. a companion. but how good is a companion when he’s not always the one i do things with. that’s the big difference though, as it seems. or is it. i don’t know the other relationships well enough other than, the highlights.

someone show me the way~

a big sigh of relief

so i was so distracted that i didn’t even think that i was obligated to go to work today. insert *stupid -now. i just couldn’t get over what happened yesterday. i guess it’s the consequence of a lot of things that i put us in for the past couple days. it shows weakness really. that reality is he will not stand for anything when it comes to me. i don’t regret anything but i do wish (big-time) that things should’ve been different. how could he be soooo inconsiderate enough that again i’m not part of his plan. it gives me goosebumps til’ now!! i couldn’t believe it. how is someone who claims to be your boyfriend have the nerve to do things you want to do. to rub in your face that he’s got it good// better, than i do. i wish he brought me with him, but there’s not even a single remorse on his end. there’s no realization that hey, i should bring my gf… she did after all show interest in going even without me.

he made such a big deal of being together for new years eve. but i guess he became stubborn at the thought that i didn’t want to be with him at all. maybe hurt by the fact that i wasn’t interested in being with his family. i mean i didn’t want to burden him of being here with me, alone. i did buy him drinks, just in case -in some kind of miraculous way- he would think of me over his family. but i didn’t get my hopes up because they are priority. i don’t see that ever being the case and i was satisfied with being all by myself.

life was never that good to me. so i settled for whatever it can give me. i have a very low expectation on things and yet the men i let into my life still can’t figure me out. how hard can it be? if i were a boy… really if i were a boy. ” i think i could understand, how it feels to love a girl, i swear i’d be a better man”.

tomorrow will be better than today. i promise you the least! ❤