Back to Back Again.

i’m so tired right now but i still have a few things i want to take care of for work, just so that i’m not too overwhelmed tomorrow. so as i mentioned my birthday wish was to be left alone all weekend and it was granted. i didn’t check anything online, i stayed dormant on the couch catching up on shows, movies, games and more shows. but this weekend was another story. it all starts with the fact that my cousin was having an engagement party (i did forget to mention that i’m fulfilling another first and definitely not the last of being a bridesmaid :)). anyway, work was hectic on friday because we were having a panini sale at work trying to raise money for Movember helping out our three mo’s raise money for their staches. so much fun but it took over 3 hours of my working day (time well spent i should say because it was a tremendous success). on and off with J trying to figure out what we were going to be doing that night (all knowing it would be pure chillage but we were debating about the logistics).

not knowing what i was going to wear at the party, i decided to fit the following before heading out to Rian’s place for some pre-drinking. so first meet up with the girls, travel to lcbo before scavenging h&m for outfits, then eating at the urban eatery, then heading south excited to play dance central 2 on kinect. this took only 2 hours non stop. then we started drinking and dancing the game. wow that is a major workout. if you want to save money on skipping out on a trainer, play the kinect. the game is very engaging and very interactive. then we dragged our tipsy selves to raq for even more dancing and sweating. then missioned home with J after a full blown disagreement and tear. (highlight which was shortlived was the birthday shoutout i got that was very random and it felt sweet at the same time, aww these peeps love me :))

we get home and we sleep as much as we can. 5 hours later we’re getting ready to travel to a filipino restaurant for ace & laile’s engagement party. what a perfect venue for an intimate gathering for family and friends. we purposely starved ourselves so we can eat a good meal πŸ™‚ and we did. it wasn’t amazing but it was good enough for our cravings, ace’s mom could cook better but the lechon was devine!! haahah – there was a whole lot of catching up with my other cousins tina & frank, catching up with the tito’s and tita’s & of course lola. it was a beautiful day outside and it couldn’t have been any more perfect than what it was. they had a slideshow and it literally made me tear up but i forced it not to come out hahaha. i’m so excited for them, and the wonderful journey they are about to embark on. even as a cousin i felt she was perfect for him. there was something about her and i’m sure i’ve already mentioned this to both of them and i’m super glad that my cousin snatched her up. i was there throughout the initial courtship and i saw how much my cousin wanted to be with her and as i got to know her and when i tagged along on the chicago trip, i knew!! there are just some couples who have a certain positive aura about them, there’s this one thing that just fits well together. i get overjoyed everytime i talk or think about them and that’s that. Congratulations to you both!! (their story)

of course it was also pacquiao’s 3rd fight with morales, after all the back ups and finalizing what to do, we ended up seeing xtian & dauph for this special day, i think this is 3x in a row for this ppv fight with us going to sauga. anyway xtian was still running errands when we arrived in milton. talk about great foursquare checking ins for 2 hours. yes he made us wait for him 2 hours. within the 2 hours were epic though because we were able to settle what we were arguing about the night before. and of course whenever we go to an event, we always end up talking about our own set of events. there were talks about NYC in March, him going on a boys trip in april or so, and me going to texas for my cousin’s wedding. then we started talking about the picture. he’s finally got his mindset on right and have some good plans for the future. we set our 3 year plans, up to 5 years and if god’s willing, we meet our designated targets and we’re set for the next stages; having a family, our own home and all the riches we are able to handle hahaha. it was a much needed 2 hours for some counseling.

then xtian arrived, we picked up dauphe and we were set on watching the fight. word of the day “awkward, awkward” along with the awkward bobble. pacquiao won what else is new. then we ended up at a random 24 hours diner for some late night eats. we then travelled from the airport all the way back to scarborough and shortly after got some much needed power naps. we then after all the bf3’s and netflix shows, headed over to pmall for some fishballs and beefballs. then we all went home and here i am blogging about another long ass weekend. i’m exhausted and all i want to do now is curl up into j’s arms and sleep.

 

sweet dreams everyone.

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ISSUES Transpiring

so ever since my way older cousin came in the picture, earth shattering feelings wave over me.

i’ve never acknowledged the fact that i had a dad. for the longest time to me, he did not exist. i was born through immaculate conception hahaha -why?- well because he chose to not exist in my life. he chose to leave himself as far and as distant as possible from me. this goes far back from my grade 7/8 days when i was feeling rebelious; when i realized that i’m one of those kids suffering from a broken family. i hated my mom for being so strict, i wanted to breath. i remember how much i was on my own with my dad around, so at that time, it was the biggest threat i was able to bestow upon the mom i was furious of. but of course, surprisingly i was able to connect with my dad, and he adviced that i stick with my mom because he already had a new family. i was devasted and was glad; good riddence. since then he did not exist to me.

i’m now an adult, with 90% independence. i’ve grown into the woman a parent would be proud of. i have just the right size of friends. i am in a serious enough relationship and a family that i would never trade for the world. things were never easy for me or for my mom, but we survived and i’m proud to have accomplished enough to give me self confidence in her and myself.

but now i’m torn. i’m going on vacation to the Phillippines to support my mom in processing papers for her divorce. surprise surprise, i have to be there with her. a lot that i’ve confided in says “closure” but i just don’t see the point in opening that closed chapter. i don’t want to have to change the ending to anything else but he’s dead metaphorically. but i have to face him 20 odd years later. it kills me inside to have proof that he never cared about me. never even acknowledged my existence. now he has a new life, a life i’ve never known and will have to uncover when i see him. i’m not excited about this trip at all. it hurts me inside, i force myself to not cry, but i still do anyway.

oh yeah – i have not one but 4 siblings. 4 people that have some sort of connection to my dad – 4 people that he’s shown love to more than he’s EVER ever shed for me. i’m not jealous, i’m the outsider trying to look in. it’s so Fucking hard to comprehend that i need to Fucking show my face to him. to even gie him the benifit of the doubt about how well i’m doing. SCREW YOU ASShole, you don’t deserve to be known as my father, as far as i know you don’t exist.

half brother

randomly I thought of him. The half brother I found out I had from my dad’s side. Ate is leaving next week to visit her kids back home…the cousin that connected me to my dad about 14 years in the past of all pasts. She’s the reason I found out about my half brother, now, she’s visiting re-connecting with everyone I’ve learned to shut out since my mom took me under her wing. Now that we let her into our lives it’s hard for me to ignore the fact that I DO have a so-called-father. The father that did nothing to keep in touch with me, regardless of what went down to create our broken family.

Now i’m in limbo, should I even present myself to this half-brother? Even though I hold a grudge towards our shared kin of a dad. I have no right really, but I do get curious about him. I want to know if he knows who I am and I wonder if he knows what I am to him.

Hello world!

Listening to: Danity Kane – Poetry

believe me or not, this is probably my 4th or 5th try of blogging on Worpress.com. the first 2 tries were just to experiment, to see what WordPress had that Blogdrive didn’t. Well its obvious now that there are more perks to having WordPress, but because of Blogdrive being so user-friendly ..i was hooked. But shaking that off now …i need this blog to match my new aura.

So let me begin by Y i am here. Thinking out loud. Writing on a laptop that the best’ lent me. Well if you must know it is a New Year. 2008 have gone & went down as history –not in the making ..but merely a memory. Although to be honest there wasn’t much highlights worth mentioning. I did spend Texas during the New Year’s Eve etc. Celebrations of ’08. Hence not being here where my mom was, & not to mention my bf. I can’t deny the exhilaration i felt when i was away from the place i’ve been for the last -oh-i-don’t-know- 14 years. It was (as i Felt) a very spiritual time; full of reflection & reminiscence. I was for once, surrounded by cousins who were either established or was sure of what 2008 was going to be for them. Well that’s half the truth, but i feel as though things unravelled there, with the chosen few that i never really had any connection with until then. I miss those 7 days that my mind felt free to wonder, hope & dream. Some of the issues i’m dealing with now was sprung from those days ..hence, everything does happen for a reason.

2008 was full of procrastination and i’m definitely here on the 1st of January 2009 certain of many things that i could’ve accomplished back then when i didn’t work for 6Β full months (not counting the part-time gigs of course). When i’ve written down a list of things that i wanted to accomplish but didn’t even come close. I was on a dL for most of 2008 & in celebration i chose to be alone. Usually people who are in a relationship,Β  would want to be with their significant other, whereever that may lead. But not me *this year, no not this year …when i didn’t get a chance to shape out what i wanted to do -accomplish- achieve in 2009. Omg, in looking back now i haven’t been spending New Year’s with my mom for the past 3 years. Yet we live under the same roof. wow this entry is going to be longer than i thought. & so it doesn’t stop there really.

the year that passed had nothing in it, i basically just watch it fly by with time. I can’t recall anything special …mmmk well there is a couple of major accomplishments; I graduated GBC.got a bit a’ office experience.& last and foremost i got a job in Market Research (which is up my alley*in terms of what i studied of course). Yeah, it is a big stepping stone & i’ve been there for 6+ months. I’m practically settled in that i am able to work from home with a VPN access, i get paid salary, & i finally get 2 weeks paid vacation. Not mentioning the health/dental benefits that they obviously take pride in πŸ™‚

Yes that is something to be proud of…but…i was supposed to cut down smoking, lose weight, ummmm the rest i passed with flying colours. i bonded with friends this year ..my godchildrens are growing~ there’s so much to look back on that it’s hard to look forward. What should i look forward to? Maybe i can sleep it off for now. But before i Forget for next time…

Love
Family
Friends
2009 Lists of Needs&Wants