January 2018

3:30 am
I’m full of alcohol (disclaimer).
Goodbye 2017.
Hello 2018.

Coaster, sung by Khalid. Ultimate song to represent my year in 2017. The last memorable media I watched is an episode of Black Mirror (EP.4 – Hello Mr DJ). It’s about a simulation on dating in a virtual world turn real. The last movie I watched in theatre was Murder on the Orient Express and I felt it was brain stimulating. I did everything I was influenced to do this year without guilt (because I love spontaneous nights for the books) and the rollercoaster rides didn’t stop cause it got colder. But the year didn’t end on a high note, not like it ever does. I was asked what my happiest NYE was in years past and I reflected on that hard. Why am I always wonky during NYE? When was I happiest… the ones top of mind was not with him, not a big surprise there.

_fireworks at NPS as a teenager. that night i was too short in a sea of people in the cold open space. me and the salvador sisters found a spot, got situated by a really cute flip guy… who offered to carry me on his shoulders so i can see the performance happening on stage. so i did and the memory of it is forever engraved in my mind.

_Niagara falls. i can’t remember exactly how i got there but i think it was with my 2nd long term relationship’s fam but it was memorable regardless. the show was amazing, not like i remember it at all… just the feeling of it being memorable stayed with me.

_Houston. the memories made that first time i traveled on my own with Tina and Lola. i had to be the responsible one. this one made me happy cause of the sentimental feels of getting.  closer the US cousins who also grew up with a single mom, who’s much older and have accomplished a lot despite set backs. people watching how americans celebrate NYE first hand. that was the year i learned how to start resolutions and fail at them hard ever since.

I entertained the idea of finally going clubbing and ringing in the new year with a bunch of strangers. The usual get lost in the moment, people watch. The other idea was to trick everyone that I had plans but just wander around the city and see where I end up. My plan B was to actually have a direction – end up at NPS, watch the fireworks, head to Harbourfront (muni muni), then head to Riverdale park for the skyline. But it broke my heart to imagine my mom, home alone while I selfishly did my own thing. Over a decade of not prioritizing her when she was available… oh my heart seriously broke and I realized, she’s a source of my happiness why deny myself of that and why choose guilt over pleasure.

I’m happy to report this year I spent it with fam lowkey. It was afterall the coldest night ever on this day that I can remember. But also, turns out, this was finally a year when my fam actually got to celebrate NYE together, wow. Talk about everything happening for a reason. But I watch them and I think – Could this all really go down without me? I have been questioning all my social circles, trying to watch how everyone interacts without my involvement just to see if there’s any connections outside my own individual ones and this fam, I believe does (enough). NOW! smirks —

In 2018, we shall see. I constantly have this reoccuring thought, what if I’m not there, here to glue people together. Let’s see who comes through, not as a distraction but as a solid source of guidance, comfort, and reassures that nothing can be as simple in life as this. At some point everyone will take a different direction and I’m going to travel some paths alone and all I have to worry about is facing all the good, bad, and uglies with an open heart and open eyes hahaha. connections are connections, memories are memories. I cherish it all even if it not reciprocated. I will continue to give a piece of me to everyone to make them (feel) whole for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don’t want to change that this year because I find it exciting to figure out what I offer(ed) and what that individual offer(ed) me in return. It’s rewarding to me- bring on more heartmelting moments in 2018. It’s all about being able to piece it all together without feeling drained. It’s about building a community of individuals.

(pardonez-moi) this post isn’t making any sense much. I don’t want to be too melodramatic but it’s a new year, new beginnings… bring on new definitions for the whole “everything happens for a reason”.

Everything always does.

p.s. thanks for sticking around.

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