i am sitting here at work trying to eat the lunch i brought on tuesday. i am shaking and it’s most likely due to my 2pm starbucks run that involved 4 shots of espresso… there’s still people in the office so i can’t cry yet. i want to breakdown so badly. I imagine myself curled up inside our current st. Lawrence meeting room (in a corner) – hugging my short legs and crying my eyes out in my jeans…. but there’s just no time and the expectation for an adult like myself is to pull through and be strong and pull through – again & again.
Dear everyone, leave me alone, I’m broken, please come back tomorrow.
but then again there’s no point because there IS always a tomorrow. I just can’t deal right now because my tomorrow has been fucked up and filled (‘deeply penetrated’) with problems knee deep (neck deep tbh).
When will that tomorrow come, where everything is balanced, the sun shines through and i feel ok. Dear universe, I’m only asking for OK. I’m racing with time to keep up with responsibilities and adult, fix things that are broken, breathe and actually move forward but as luck would have it, the universe is not done with this lesson yet. so I ask, dear silverlining what are you trying to teach me?
I crave for time because of all the things I’m trying to change but keep the same. I don’t want to succumb to bitterness for the stupidest reason called ‘work’. I crave for time to heal, to mend broken relationships that matter, to live life. Did I enjoy summer too much that now I’m all wonky? I crave for focus, but really I just want to disappear and within that disappearance I want the power to watch everything unfold without me. whoa whoa whoa, am I feeling replaceable? Am I settling into really not amounting to anything but a …. ok stop spinning. Please. Just. Stop.
Dear Jony I miss you. Dear Jhen I want to catch up with you. Dear Crew I need US. Dear Sophie I’m sorry. Dear Kstar let’s make the impossible possible. Dear loneliness you keep away, I really don’t need to feel you. Dear anxiety, FUCK YOU! Dear Babs, it’s my turn (again).