I haven’t thought of him in a while. I creep but as I find nothing, I’m left with wondering what happened to their very public announcement. July was a very busy month. I’ve always had busy months throughout the years but being booked a month in advance like that felt like a whole other level of busy.
It was much needed. It’s how to deal.
July was a month of entertaining the idea of meeting new people. As exciting as it was, nothing real substantial came out of that. Previous guys I dated or met with reached out but considering the busy month it never really happened. I entertained the idea of practice dates but never participated in one.
I found a numbing substance that allows me to see everything in a different perspective. I have been feeling really good under the influence that I crave it more and more. I shouldn’t, it’s really not a bad thing but I don’t want to be reliant on it and I know that once I’ve seen all that I want to see under this substance, I would have to start facing reality, facing time and the lack of it or the shortness of it.
Since it’s the first of August on my 32nd year, I find myself craving stillness. I have filled my days with endless activities – things I’ve always wanted to do, I’ve learned I wanted to do and at the end of it all I find myself hoping for someone to ground me. But in order to find someone I have to be willing to be found. I have to be present wholeheartedly to be broken, vulnerable and hopefully happy. It’s a foreign term to think I can be happy in someone else’s arms that just thinking about it makes me feel all choked up. He made it look so easy, they make it look so easy.
When will I allow myself to make it easy for myself.