jan 1 at 10:40 PM
it’s officially 2017. i have been looming over this day/year all of Dec but work/socials wouldn’t allow me any time to reflect. all i wanted to do last night was to be by myself in the dark wallowing but my mom had other plans. she decided to be home with me instead of partaking on any other NY EVE parties with our family. this ultimately pissed me off (i was afterall PMSing hard). i asked her in a really bad tone if she was only home because of me. she argued that she can be alone too and i told her bluntly that it was all i have been wanting to do. she’s experienced being alone on this occasion one too many times, because i’ve left her to that for the last 10-12 years. all i requested was to be completely alone. but she wouldn’t even give me that much. the tears started to flow. a year ago at exactly that time, i’ve already decided upon taking a break with J. changing the whole course of our time together with one final decision. anyway – not for anything but i wanted to be alone because i know i have failed on my goals for 2016. i spent all year deflecting – plain and simple – but obviously in a good way.
2016 was the year i found a group of people who loves to galavant in the city. it was also the year that i started renting cars because i got my licence to drive. i haven’t gone too far out but i have truly enjoyed the city as much as i always have. it was a year spent mainly going with the flow. it was mostly kwanstar’s flow but it was time well spent. so many memories made, good, bad and uglies (most times all three of those at the same time). my favorite part is the fact that none of it is planned (by me). she planned quite a bit of it and i was just coming along for the ride. i certainly took advantage and lived vicariously all year with the #crew.
another great adventure that started in 2016 is our beautiful princess Jaslyn. she was born and our world was never the same again. this year was definitely a year of realizing how easy it was for my heart to melt. because of this little one I’ve realized it’s really the little things that count. That adulthood and the fixation on settling down and making it work with someone is all too real at this age. Lyne on the other hand finally took the steps required to change careers. totally different from Jony settling down and starting a family but still a new adventure all together (super proud of her). the third one over there (can’t mention the name just in case) has decided to move to VanCity real soon and is dealing with much more adult level decisions and I just know she’s strong enough to get all the shit she needs to get done to begin a new life. I’m glad we became a bit more closer this year because she’s a great source of life wisdom and a positive person to be around. the girls have definitely had quite a year, all for the best and i can’t wait to see things progress as we all adult more this year.
me on the other hand has failed on adulting. everything got put on hold because i couldn’t commit. i didn’t get the promotion i was hoping for, still working at the same place for the same salary (ish) and with work being so iffy with the whole corporate stuff, i am left thinking about starting over. it was a year of questions. learning from others and making some strong relationships with a few awesome and experienced individuals. i do hope to keep in touch with those few because they are a great source of advice and nothing short of amazing.
I haven’t fully let go of that ONE.
one thing i did enjoy this year is my mom’s company and extended fam as well. i have finally experienced family gathering being single and it’s a lot more fun than i thought. drinking with the Titos, watching my cousin’s solidify their parenthoodness, it’s all heart melting. i do however feel a different type of feels during our family gathering but it’s mainly because Lola is no longer there with us.
my mom kept me company for the days that the crew or the girls had no definite plans. she was my plan b for every other weekend. i’m proud of myself for finally taking her to a spa getaway, taking her to new places in the city, teaching her to be more independent or live more. i think she’s getting it. i’m just glad that she’s ok with the whole situation of where my life has ended up.
i’ll save my real 2017 goals on the next post. i haven’t fully written them but i’m basically just transferring everything i didn’t achieve in 2016 into this year. stay tuned… it should be a great blogging year ahead.