about tonight

today i returned the jacket that i bought with my mom. it just didn’t fit right on the arms and i couldn’t live with it. i’m suddenly so picky with this winter jacket deal, that i just can’t deal. it’s been months of shopping and when i finally found something that fit like a glove, the arms didn’t.

i’m sitting right now typing this on my work laptop at pickle barrel. i started reading bestie’s blog, while waiting for a text back. yes that’s right, as if on queue, i messaged him thinking it’s the right thing to do and that it’s about time to settle this hiatus with semi-closure.

i say semi-closure because i have been wrapping my mind around all the logistics. his phone which i got renewed for christmas is under my name and i would need to transfer that over to his name. all the clothes at my house, the ps4… these are a few things that i think logistically we would need to sort out.

it’s not official until it’s official. 

tonight after returning my jacket, i pondered about ripping the band-aid. i felt like taking the plunge. i took the bus from work all the way to past yonge & eg and for some reason i felt ready. surprisingly it only took 20-30 minutes, i guess traffic on yonge street is not an issue when the city is presumed to have freezing rain. anyway, i felt a surge of courage-ness to message him to see if he’s able to meet up tonight. no response – i launched a study that needed to launch while drinking my sommersby. no reply.

this post is obviously being posted without any back story. but anyone who’s usually reading this, should already know what the deal is and that story can be written for another time. i have been literally at a lost for words, simply speechless in explaining this current situation and it totally sucks that i (myself, as usual) have not move things along as fast as it could. i just thought that maybe, just maybe he’ll be the one to take action. break things off, work it out… something, anything. but here i am taking charge for the second last time.

here’s a list of things that are just heartbreaking for me at the moment:

  • knowing in my soul – there’s nothing to hang on to here. other than past memories of pure bliss, when nothing mattered because it didn’t need to.
  • that he has keys to my place. he should’ve really memorize my mom’s schedule for work by now and should know when to come without any disruptions – regardless of my silence and telling him i need time.
  • not having everything together. but doing a hell of a great job faking it.
  • confirmation of ” i felt more alone in a relationship, than without”.
  • starting ALL over. (this one is really mild, i’m not there yet, not even close to thinking of starting anything ever)
  • disappointing those around me. especially my mom. i feel like i failed her miserably by prolonging the inevitable.
  •  having that ALL I ASK moment, by adele.

i have been here for 2 hours. it’s time to get going – cause i know he won’t respond. i’ve settled my bill, that’s all my rant for tonight. but rest-assured, no matter how much my heart is breaking right now …these days… i LOOK forward what tomorrow brings. fuck even in my worst moments i’m fucking positive. i have found other things to look forward to -like- being back on body jam (yaaaaassss), karaoke weekend with the girls, yoga-ish, eating healthy-er, drinking lots. and admittedly dri- fucking -ving.

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