Time IN Time

Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means, this storyteller is alive. The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile.
– Little Bee by Chris Cleave

it’s been a rollercoaster month! i could’ve possibly done 2-3 posts in a day but what use would that be really? so i could go back 2 years from now and laugh at how my train of thought was at this present day? no way. i kept my insecurities to myself. venting as needed, going crazy as i let myself to be. & man i’ve never driven myself crazy like that in a loooong time.

its gotta be all the changes happening right now. .. survived 2 months (5  more days left) of not having a boyfriend. like literally, i was single. no one bugging to see if i’ve gotten home ok, no one bugging me about going out at such a late hour. no one checking on me, checking to see if i had any plans after work. it wasn’t a choice, it just happened to be like that since he went to the Philippines. i call him, not even sure it mattered really. but i made sure to be prompt when he needed something. it’s the least i could do. but he fxck’d up & it’s costed a lot, a whole lot of my emotional capacity.

i know i’m not the perfect girlfriend. i make him wait, i put him down 80% of the time. i’m not as attractive as i used to be. but at the end of the day, i don’t have baggage, i love unconditionally and i am independent. tell me how this whole relationship works when you’ve had enough and feel you can’t handle anymore. i’m one to judge other’s relationship but i’ve overlooked enough on mine. i need to take my own advices. put happiness aside for practicality and maturity.

throughout our relationship (as far as i can remember_), i don’t recall being this unloved. we’ve been able to overcome anything, or i should say, i used to be able to overcome anything. cause technically at this point, it’s his wrong-doing. it’s his mistake, his life that’s putting this relationship in turmoil. it hurts alot because i know at the end of the day, he hasn’t promised anything. we’ve never talked about the future. we’ve always been a spur of the moment type of relationship. we have no path. how do you start that anyway.

as i contemplate what to write here for the whole month, i stalk other people for comparison. but that just makes it worst really. cause online, you don’t see the hurt and suffering a couple may have. because in the eyes of other people we filter, we don’t let everything lay out on the table to be scrutinized, judged by an outsider. an outsider that won’t know the ins and outs of your everyday loving.sharing.caring.

at the end of the day, you are your own critic. you decide what’s right for you & your heart and at the end of the day, your  </3 always wins the battle. it’s always been obvious before when my relationships are over. One last chance, brain. pagbigyan natin si puso, sana alam niya ang ginagawa niya.

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