Such a pinay

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. _Groucho Marx

Now i get why Beyonce says; Put a ring on it. For the past month J has been working weeknights. For the past couple months i’ve been on the hunt for killing time elsewhere other than being home. I like being distracted from here/there, anywhere. I don’t recall being boy-crazy in my youngin’ days, I believe it’s because I was set on loving 1 man & not looking anywhere else. This held true until lately when all I want to do is shop, doll up, and be with my partners in crime. Behind all the glamour shots, I am devoted, dedicated. Well not lately but he’s not out of my life. He’s still a part of it, but his part is shrinking tremendously. I catch myself daydreaming about what I want to do tomorrow, where he wouldn’t need to be an option. Is this where all relationships lead to, or is it just the mere fact that we’ve lost the zha-zha-zhu.

where should i go? to the left, where nothing is right. or to the right, where nothing’s left.
i’ve got to be honest. i don’t wake up each morning yearning to see him, where has the magic gone. over-analyzing as usual but reality is i don’t. what qualifies for a great relationship anyway? maybe it’s just the distance, but technically what will happen when he’s gone for a month. more focusing on myself. what if one day i wake up and all i want to do is push him out of my life. he’s a great guy. but is the lack of communication and perseverance enough to break us. not yet obviously but eventually. how did we get here, from there?

i don’t mean to be over dramatic but is what i’m doing right? or is he doing something wrong? have i chosen to be on my own with benefits. i’m living my life and he’s living his, we are on seperate freight trains going 80 miles per hour. how do we get back those days when all i could think about is the future of him and i, the future that is already here and is not anywhere near what i imagined it to be.

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