not a very happy new year

i’m not mad at him. he didn’t do anything. i’m just mad at myself for not doing what i want to do. unfortunately i don’t have a boyfriend who can take me to the places i want to go. he doesn’t really take me anywhere.. cause he doesn’t have money. and unfortunately as well. i don’t have enough to cover for the two of us. but needless to say, he was able to go to the places i had wanted to go to. he went to montreal, sincerely with his friends. new york with his friends. niagara numerous times with his friends. but unfortunately i wasn’t able to go anywhere with him. i know i shouldn’t hate him for it but i do.
there were so much i wanted to do but couldn’t due to financial issues. it doesn’t help either that my boyfriend wasn’t able to fulfill any of the things i wanted. it’s not like i gave him any incentive to anyway. i pushed him away. i know i’m not fun anymore. & i don’t know why i got back with him when it was clearly over when it was over when i broke up with him. i just had to drag it along.

i want to be just like him. but unfortunately just like every other girl, i want everything to be with him. it doesn’t help when you want to do everything with a person who’s doing everything with their friends rather than you. but suck it up. you chose to stay and be reminded that he doesn’t feel that way about you. you are not special, you’re just on the sideline. someone he can fuck at any given time because you claim to be his girlfriend. how could you be so naive? you take pride in “this” …which doesn’t really amount to anything but good times. but there’s no good times to be made anymore. you’ve grown apart. you’ve moved forward & he stayed back. if someone were to ask you name 10 things that he’s good for …you’re bound to say nothing. he doesn’t make you happy anymore. he never said he loved you. the one thing you liked about him is gone. he doesn’t call when he’s out –mainly cause he doesn’t have a cellphone. he’s not someone you want to tell everything to ..because you don’t like his perspective on things. he’s not the right one. let him go. there’s nothing to hold on to. you need to learn to stop falling for “potential” and start looking for traits that are solid.

he once offered so much …potential. he’s a really nice guy. but you were stupid enough to fall for the false pretenses that he made you think he could offer. you remember those days at the beginning when he mentioned how good of a boyfriend he’d be to you. trust is there, honesty is there… spiritually he’s there. but now you need more. 3 years of him being your boyfriend and he has offered nothing more than a fun time. of course there’s been romantic times but those days are gone, he can’t do them anymore. you are not good enough to inspire him to do anything more. it sucks but that’s reality for you. maybe they’re right. love runs out. i just wished really hard that for once, since we counted on each other as friends that love would be enough.

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