dead inside

it’s almost 2:30 and i’m wide awake. i met up with babs for dinner and we just sulked in our own misery of adulting. even though the night was supposed to be a celebration of her achievements so far… #fail. it turned out to be a night of endless counts of shoulda-woulda-couldas which i have been harping to everyone who asks what’s new with me. i’m alice fucking wonderland and have fallen in a rabbit hole which most associate as being stuck in a rut/funk. don’t get me wrong, i’m hopeful i’ll get back to my happy self the minute i see the sun setting. it will remind me of the wonders this lifetime can bring. but for now i will wallow in self pity and no one can stop me from me hmphs.

anyway – i had to clear my mom’s pictures so she has enough memory on her phone for her trip. then i figured i’d also clean up my phone to make room for the JT Concert me and the bestie are watching tomorrow. woot! simple indulgence doesn’t hurt. the rest of this week i shall help my mom get ready for her sisterly bond Houston trip – all expense paid by me for her 59th birthday. i really hope she makes the best of it, of the company cause i won’t be much fun this year or next year being on a budget. i’m sure my wallowing self is annoying/worrying her a lot but really – this too shall pass. i’ll remember these days as my darkest days brought on by my own thoughts and concerns about moving forward in my days.

oh right i wanted to vent about the never checked to do list i got going since 2015. turns out my external hard drive has stopped working on this mbp. add that to the list of things i need to do instead of non-stop sleeping as if i have nothing better to do. approx 60 items on my swipe app and yet every weekend when nothing is planned, i lie here in bed, watching korean shows. effort makes me lazy. that’s just where i am ATM, doing the bare minimum. the story must continue though, empty pages don’t write themselves. i have so many creative posts on queue and i can’t wait to relive those moments when i was a bit happier than i am today – yesterday.

1,015 pictures left to back up and i am done with this rant for now.


Adulting 2018

today my mom and i talked to an insurance broker. tito showed us the ins and outs of this so-called peace of mind concept and now i wallow at the thought of not continuing on this 10 years ago. i realize that i was dumb. urrgh.

as i age, i realize there are certain financial necessities we have to invest in. life insurance is definitely one of them. economy these days are so frail and job security is always uncertain. my company has just merged with yet another company and this year the minimum wage has gone up to $14. i always ponder what this means to me, what is my plan b – should i find myself not having a sustainable income at any given time in my life… part of my lull moments is pondering about all of these uncertainties. in your 30s, it definitely becomes evident that our parents are not going to be living forever and if they do, do i have the means to support them and whatever future i have myself. three hundred or so dollars later, here i am at the start of taking control of our situation. also this whole train of thought began when kstar told me about herΒ will, does my mom have one? do i start one? i don’t have any dependants, should i still consider one (at this point). it’s always better to be prepared but where do i begin… oh maybe life insurance, i mean – who’s going to pay all those fees? where do i get that kind of money? can i even have that kind of money… gosh i’m so broke without being literally broke.

my mom has always left it up to me to do my own thing. she has always been supportive in the background, maybe not financially but in all the adult sense – roof over head, fridge full of food, laundry. i have been very selfish of those things and really the least i can do is give her a sense of security (even if she doesn’t plan on fully leaning on me financially). she’s always spoken as if she can figure out her stuff on her own and that i should only worry about myself. as an only child raised by a single mother that should really be the least of her worries. she brought me here in canada to ensure that i have a better life than those my age back home. i have really been taking advantage of this life for the last 10 years – *facepalm heavily. it was great while it lasted but now i think, it was the dumbest years of my life – wasted. i can’t see the silverlining right now so bare with me as i get my shit together (sstill).

after getting signed up for insurance, i also spoke to another Sheila who was referred by tito to get started on my potential/dream of owning my own home. she took my information for 15 minutes, another <15 minutes later i was approved for a loan. within 1 year alone i managed to save up 10K, imagine if i had been diligent at this the minute i turned 30, then i would’ve had serious dough for a down payment… but enough about the past and fast forwarding to now and what i’ve accomplished. this year is definitely going to be all about buttoning down on what else i can do to ensure security for me and my mom.

tomorrow i sign papers and anticipate some heavy financial planning to figure out next steps__

January 2018

3:30 am
I’m full of alcohol (disclaimer).
Goodbye 2017.
Hello 2018.

Coaster, sung by Khalid. Ultimate song to represent my year in 2017. The last memorable media I watched is an episode of Black Mirror (EP.4 – Hello Mr DJ). It’s about a simulation on dating in a virtual world turn real. The last movie I watched in theatre was Murder on the Orient Express and I felt it was brain stimulating. I did everything I was influenced to do this year without guilt (because I love spontaneous nights for the books) and the rollercoaster rides didn’t stop cause it got colder. But the year didn’t end on a high note, not like it ever does. I was asked what my happiest NYE was in years past and I reflected on that hard. Why am I always wonky during NYE? When was I happiest… the ones top of mind was not with him, not a big surprise there.

_fireworks at NPS as a teenager. that night i was too short in a sea of people in the cold open space. me and the salvador sisters found a spot, got situated by a really cute flip guy… who offered to carry me on his shoulders so i can see the performance happening on stage. so i did and the memory of it is forever engraved in my mind.

_Niagara falls. i can’t remember exactly how i got there but i think it was with my 2nd long term relationship’s fam but it was memorable regardless. the show was amazing, not like i remember it at all… just the feeling of it being memorable stayed with me.

_Houston. the memories made that first time i traveled on my own with Tina and Lola. i had to be the responsible one. this one made me happy cause of the sentimental feels of getting.Β  closer the US cousins who also grew up with a single mom, who’s much older and have accomplished a lot despite set backs. people watching how americans celebrate NYE first hand. that was the year i learned how to start resolutions and fail at them hard ever since.

I entertained the idea of finally going clubbing and ringing in the new year with a bunch of strangers. The usual get lost in the moment, people watch. The other idea was to trick everyone that I had plans but just wander around the city and see where I end up. My plan B was to actually have a direction – end up at NPS, watch the fireworks, head to Harbourfront (muni muni), then head to Riverdale park for the skyline. But it broke my heart to imagine my mom, home alone while I selfishly did my own thing. Over a decade of not prioritizing her when she was available… oh my heart seriously broke and I realized, she’s a source of my happiness why deny myself of that and why choose guilt over pleasure.

I’m happy to report this year I spent it with fam lowkey. It was afterall the coldest night ever on this day that I can remember. But also, turns out, this was finally a year when my fam actually got to celebrate NYE together, wow. Talk about everything happening for a reason. But I watch them and I think – Could this all really go down without me? I have been questioning all my social circles, trying to watch how everyone interacts without my involvement just to see if there’s any connections outside my own individual ones and this fam, I believe does (enough). NOW! smirks —

In 2018, we shall see. I constantly have this reoccuring thought, what if I’m not there, here to glue people together. Let’s see who comes through, not as a distraction but as a solid source of guidance, comfort, and reassures that nothing can be as simple in life as this. At some point everyone will take a different direction and I’m going to travel some paths alone and all I have to worry about is facing all the good, bad, and uglies with an open heart and open eyes hahaha. connections are connections, memories are memories. I cherish it all even if it not reciprocated. I will continue to give a piece of me to everyone to make them (feel) whole for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I don’t want to change that this year because I find it exciting to figure out what I offer(ed) and what that individual offer(ed) me in return. It’s rewarding to me- bring on more heartmelting moments in 2018. It’s all about being able to piece it all together without feeling drained. It’s about building a community of individuals.

(pardonez-moi) this post isn’t making any sense much. I don’t want to be too melodramatic but it’s a new year, new beginnings… bring on new definitions for the whole “everything happens for a reason”.

Everything always does.

p.s. thanks for sticking around.