last time i was at this park… it was with my mom on a sunday afternoon (i think). i was filling her in about my rooskie. How we met, the countless interactions we had at work, that whole month we were inseparable after the Canada Day fireworks. that was about a year ago. Today, right now as i write this, it started raining a little bit and i feel the breeze cooling, breaking the humidity to a nice, comfy temperature. I biked for about 2 hours, grabbing an ice cap along the way, eventually ending up in this park which was planned for tomorrows ride with nanay.
I sit here contemplating about the fears i had starting this new fling. Commenting on how/when did i get so lucky in snatching a really decent guy without much effort. He kinda just fell on my lap and it took me pretty much all year to allow it, allow all of it. Everytime i stepped back from it, i had no reason to leave. I allowed my fears of curating something new to stop me from the person i wanted to be in this relationship – very afraid to get my heart broken, knowing it hasn’t even fully healed yet.
I’d say he was patient. He allowed me to be on my own, when i wanted to be. He made sure to express his concerns about acting one way in the relationship and being treated another. I didn’t want to sugarcoat US. I needed to make sure it was all #real. As soon as i came back from Cuba and he slipped to tell me he loved me, my heart softened. It cracked open. It validated all of what i feel about US to be genuine and raw. It wasn’t a dream, and him saying it meant he felt it too. I didn’t say it back but i made sure to let him know to be patient a bit longer, i am there but I’m still pretty afraid to go all-in.
ever since, I’d say WE have been better. We started talking more, there was no hesitation for me to crave for him and let him know that i wished to be with him when we’re apart. We had moments where the fear of making him unhappy became a big deal. I found my heart swelling up tears in my eyes mostly with tears of joy to feel this strong of a connection again. The kind of love that for the longest time i couldn’t imagine with anyone else. It was here. Here to stay. This is it, i am officially invested.
I read all my old notes and i am about to submerge myself into the first chapter of V+M Project to commemorate the year that flew by in a blink of our own eyes. My heart is sooo full right now realizing how much good he has brought into my life. dear Tadhana, tara na. Let’s write this to re-live it wholeheartedly because i know i wasn’t all there in all of those moments. I was too busy protecting my 🖤 from the best thing that’s ever happened in a bit over a decade.
more on all of this and that soon. i gotta go pick up another curtain because the ones i bought weren’t the same size. Hahaha
a little back story of one major adulting step coming up in august (2019), living by myself in his appartment. he’s going back home for 3 weeks and has offered to open his place up for me to stay in while he’s gone. i would have to water his plants and check in once in a while anyway. i thought about this really hard since January when he got his citizenship (so proud of him btw). since then amidst all my wonkyness, i though really hard about living away from home.
anyway, i have never lived alone. i have always had my mom by my side and if not my mom, the ex, and if not the ex the girls. am i even capable of living by myself? i have always complained to everyone that i am bad at being a housewife because i’ve been spoiled rotten by THE greatest mom ever who’s sole purpose in life has been to cater to me. she does my laundry, cleans the house, puts food on the table. in my twenties, i’ve always survived with just eating out, eating at other people’s places, so food isn’t the issue. it’s the laundry, it’s the responsibility… making sure lights are off without someone reminding me, making sure the stove is off (if i do decide to use it), making sure the door is locked as soon as i walk out the door.
living with someone is very convenient. my mom has raised me to be independently reliant on her for everything home related lol. but little by little, in the last couple of years, i have craved to build my own habits, my own routines, his place was just the cherry on top. i helped him furnish it, i buy the most random-est items which i treat as my needs part-time living at his place which we currently cohabitate with him pretty much every other 2 days. In the last couple of years, i would buy things to put up in my room at home. I buy decor as to furnish the future home i have been trying hard to finally accomplish. The only regret i have is why didn’t i start all of this sooner. sigh* before i get sidetracked…
I am excited.
I am scared shitless.
I hope to live up to the experience the best i can and hope i don’t run home just because it is an option. Everything happens for a reason and You are exactly where you need to be. I couldn’t have imagined where i would be in a million years and I am humbled and forever thankful. #blessed #worththewait #fallingtoohard
i am lending you to jen. don’t worry she will take care of you and use you so much you will finally feel useful. this is my last post on you for the next year or possibly close to forever…
i have always wanted you, but i now have so many options outside of you. my lapachka will be installing PSP on his desktop and it is more powerful. i finally got a new laptop at work… the cloud helps to sync all of my files.
just know that getting you was a big milestone in my life and everyone that knows me or knew me, knew how special getting you was. it may sound crazy to those that reads this but i am very sentimental with materialistic things, i give importance to items i own. the things that are in my bag, in my room, at his place, at work, all of these items although sometimes questionable are all a piece of me. the me i curated. the me that i am, the me i am about to be, that me that i am shaping myself to be or want to be in the future.
thank you for all the late nights. all the acquaintances and friendships you helped form. another chapter is closing and this is def a good thing.
ka-ar-ti-han. the end.