Disclaimer: This is a very long post, go get popcorn/chips to munch as you read all of my feels as i recall my birthday week.
Don’t watch me cry is a song I found on YouTube _i found this contemplating about fixing my broken heart // performed by jorja smith
I’m not crying ’cause you left me on my own
I’m not crying ’cause you left me with no warning
I’m just crying ’cause I can’t escape what could’ve been
Are you aware when you set me free?
All I can do is let my heart bleed
i crept on them last weekend because my mom saw that his picture was updated and she thought they got married. i checked and she was wearing a pink dress and he’s wearing a purple tie. then i found another picture where they were at a lakefront and he’s wearing a watch. i remember when i wanted to buy him a watch one time on a special occasion and he claimed to hate watches. he never had any sense of style much because he didn’t have the means for it and would (i felt anyway) be all sulky if i forced things on him. did i just force him to be the way i wanted him to be? stupid doubts who cares… i’m blabbing again, and that’s not even what the point of this post is about.
i saw their pictures and i found a few more on her side. anyway this whole creeping made me feel alone and then shortly realizing i really am not… not even close!
monday we stayed late at work. Tuesday was Hallowe’en and it is my favorite commercial holiday of the year. this year i convinced Kstar to dress up with me in our matching onesies. i didn’t think she was going to go all out with the make up and all but she did and it melted my heart to see her participate in something she barely likes, well correction, she has no time for silly things like playing dress up right nowbut she did because she knew how happy it would make me.
before heading home i had a quick drink with her. this time we actually did stick to just 1. she was trying to fit as much mariatime before she leaves for 3 weeks and it was much needed. mainly because of work but also we had quite a number of events to reminisce about around this time in both of our lives. for me, 1 year ago at the same time i was with him. he took me out for dinner i felt he couldn’t really afford at the time but he made the effort because he knew how much i liked seafood. things felt good at the time. i remember us smiling and laughing all night even though it was a school night. midnight we hugged and i hid the matter of fact from everyone.
i imagined this year’s birthday week to seriously be lowkey. a month ago i was glad kstar planned my birthday get together the day after my real bornday (by mistake). which meant i didn’t have to do anything on my real birthday. i entertained the idea that i was going to tell my mom that i was with friends and then i was going to tell friends that i was with my mom… kstar on the other hand wanted to take me out for dinner. i can’t really say no to AYCE Japanese BBQ and i knew she knew i just wanted to make it lowkey. her mistake made everyone believe my birthday was on the 2nd instead of the first. but two of our friends at work caught on finally on the last hour and i let them join the dinner. it was amazeballs because we were so blown away with the restaurant/food that it didn’t feel so suffocating that i’m a year older… good vibes part 1
i already knew people would be mixed up with the date, so last week before the crazy hectic weekend celebrating with Best and getting caught up with Jen, i blocked my birthdate on facebook. Why? because i don’t want any #fakelove. i want the real greets because i’m sentimental. i lowkey have been feeling a rollercoaster of emotions and i didn’t feel like entertaining the social media community. i’m not about liking every photo you post and i don’t want you to feel like you owe me a greeting on my wall because FB reminded you. Thanks but no thanks.
30 minutes before midnight hit, i was making snapchat videos with my mom. non-stop laugh galore! she made me eat pancit which is traditional birthday food back home. they claim it’s to give you a long life. i made a rewind video blowing a cake i realized Babs never had… joked with Babs for an hour shortly after that and posted on instagram. i felt instagram was safe because you kinda have to make the effort to check people’s stories. my cousins greeted me after watching my cake story and i read kstar’s heartwarming instapost.
heartmelting right? i feel so blessed to be surrounded by these individuals who go hard for other people’s bornday. i quickly realize that borndays are special and should be celebrated right. next year i vow to make birthdays more special for those that are close and dear to me. i need to add capacity and make it priority. just being there for these peeps isn’t enough, imma go back to planning – it’s the last few years we can, let’s fit a few more main events before things change again…
people i ended up inviting to the day after shindig are my main dailies at work. they all entertain me. i even had a few surprise visits and i can’t even explain how my heart exploded when i saw them catching up with each other, having food, alcohol, lowkey having fun. I then got swept away to dance the substance away and ended the night with my seal of approval blurp! I had the dancing bug and I felt good.
The next day it was over. [I got through my first real birthday without him. There was no reaching out this year, no random message anywhere and I’m not sure how to feel about it…] I was too distracted to fully dwell anyway. kstar made sure to entertain me pretty much everyday. How did she know I needed that? must be her natural maternal/bestie instinct, her wealth of experience in this department.. or just our usual bestie “done” dealings. I don’t know but without much effort it all just worked out perfectly. I am grateful because she was there for me even though she had very little capacity or time to share. That is ultimately what touches me most, the unselfishness of one person’s act towards another hooman. Still not a birthday person but her (and Lyne) will receive good karma from this universe.
Clearly my social game is strong, dating or meeting potential…not so much hahaha. That’s a whole loaded post though, so later days.